Ever Had Them Come Crawling Back After Everything They Did? That’s Hoovering.
You finally break free. You cut contact. You start healing, moving on, and reclaiming your life.
Then, out of nowhere—they reappear.
Maybe you’ve heard:
❌ “I’ve changed. I finally see what I did wrong.”
❌ “I can’t stop thinking about you. No one understands me like you do.”
❌ “I miss you. Let’s just talk. I need closure.”
❌ “I still love you. We’re meant to be together.”
❌ “I’m in therapy now. I’m working on myself—I just need one more chance.”
And suddenly, all the pain, all the doubt, all the old feelings come rushing back.
That’s hoovering—a manipulation tactic where a narcissist “sucks” you back into their cycle of abuse after a discard or breakup.
If you’ve ever felt guilty, hopeful, or even tempted to “give them another chance,” you’ve been targeted by classic hoovering tactics.
Let’s break down why they do it, how it works, and how to shut it down using the IMC Method™.
What Is Hoovering? (And Why Narcissists Do It)
Hoovering is not about love, regret, or change—it’s about control. It’s used to:
✅ Regain dominance over you after you start moving on.
✅ Test if they can still manipulate you.
✅ Reinstate the toxic cycle by making you doubt your decision to leave.
It works because human beings crave closure and connection. The narcissist exploits your emotions—using fake apologies, nostalgia, guilt, or even threats—to pull you back in.
🔥 Hoovering isn’t about reconciliation—it’s about re-establishing control. 🔥
How Hoovering Works (And Why It’s So Dangerous)
Narcissists use guilt, false promises, and emotional pressure to reel you back in.
Hoovering in Action: The Narcissist’s Playbook
🔹 Fake Apologies & “Changed” Behavior – “I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I realize I was wrong.”
🔹 Playing the Victim – “I can’t believe you just abandoned me after everything we’ve been through.”
🔹 False Promises – “Things will be different this time. I’ve grown. I swear.”
🔹 Love Bombing (Again) – They flood you with attention, affection, and grand gestures to hook you.
🔹 Crisis Mode – They suddenly have a major emergency and “need” you.
🔹 Smearing the New Target – If they’ve found someone new, they might say, “I made a mistake. They’re nothing like you.”
🔹 Threats & Emotional Blackmail – “If you don’t take me back, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
🚨 Then, the shift happens. 🚨
🔹 You start second-guessing your decision to leave.
🔹 You feel guilt for “abandoning” them.
🔹 You start remembering the good times and questioning if they really meant to hurt you.
🔹 You let your guard down—and before you know it, you’re back where you started.
Over time, this makes you:
⚠️ Trapped in an endless cycle of abuse and “forgiveness.”
⚠️ Doubt your instincts and struggle to trust yourself.
⚠️ Feel emotionally drained from constantly restarting the same toxic pattern.
And THAT is the goal—to keep you stuck in the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard.
🔥 Hoovering isn’t about love—it’s about manipulation. 🔥
How to Respond to Hoovering (IMC Method™)
You don’t engage, explain, or entertain the idea of “just talking.” Why? Because hoovering only works if you let them in.
Instead, you use the IMC Method™ (Identify, Minimize, Control) to close the door on their manipulation—for good.
1. IDENTIFY: Call Out the Manipulation
The first step is recognizing when a narcissist is hoovering you.
✅ Ask yourself: Why are they coming back NOW?
✅ Notice the pattern. Are they resurfacing because you’ve moved on?
✅ Trust your instincts. If it feels like a trick, it probably is.
💡 Example: If they say, “I miss you. Let’s just talk,” instead of engaging, respond with:
✔️ “I don’t revisit relationships that hurt me. Take care.”
🔥 Why It Works: You refuse to open the door—even slightly.
2. MINIMIZE: Block, Ignore, and Disengage
Hoovering only works if you give them an audience.
✅ Block them on everything. No calls, texts, emails, or social media access.
✅ Avoid mutual friends who act as messengers.
✅ Refuse to explain yourself. No one deserves an audience for their manipulation.
💡 Example: If they send a desperate message like, “I just want closure,” instead of responding, you:
✔️ Delete it and move on.
🔥 Why It Works: You cut off their ability to pull you back in.
3. CONTROL: Reclaim Your Emotional Freedom
Narcissists hoover to keep you emotionally hooked—so you shift your focus back to YOUR healing.
✅ Remind yourself of why you left. Keep a list of reasons if you have to.
✅ Find closure within yourself. You don’t need their apology or explanation.
✅ If necessary, seek legal protection. If they escalate, take action.
💡 Example: If you feel tempted to respond, remind yourself:
✔️ “This is not love. This is manipulation.”
🔥 Why It Works: You take control of your emotions instead of letting them dictate your choices.
What Happens When You Stop Playing Their Game?
When you ignore hoovering attempts, the narcissist loses their power over you.
They might:
⚠️ Switch from love bombing to anger, trying to provoke you.
⚠️ Smear your name to others when they realize they can’t win you back.
⚠️ Move on to their next target (but don’t be surprised if they try again later).
🚨 Stay strong. Their reaction is proof that you’re breaking free.
The more you resist the hoover, the more their manipulation fades into irrelevance.
If They Really Changed, They Wouldn’t Have to Prove It
Hoovering isn’t a second chance—it’s a test to see if you’ll fall for the same cycle again.
✔️ You don’t need their apology to heal.
✔️ You don’t need closure from the person who broke you.
✔️ You don’t need to prove anything by staying strong. You already won by walking away.
The door is closed. Keep it that way.
🔹 For full IMC Method™ strategies and free tools, visit our linked blog series. Tired of the Narcissistic Mind Games? Get the Tools to Break Free.