Ever Felt Like You Were Suddenly Competing for Their Approval? That’s Triangulation.
One day, you feel secure in the relationship. The next, you’re hearing about someone else—an ex, a friend, a family member, or even a stranger—who just seems to be “better” than you.
Maybe you’ve heard:
❌ “So-and-so thinks you’re too sensitive too.”
❌ “My ex never had a problem with this. Why do you?”
❌ “Everyone agrees that you’re overreacting.”
❌ “I was talking to my friend, and they think I should leave you.”
And suddenly, you feel insecure, questioning yourself, wondering if you need to change or work harder to “prove” your worth.
That’s triangulation—a manipulation tactic where a narcissist uses a third person (real or imaginary) to create insecurity, competition, and control.
If you’ve ever felt like you were being compared to someone else in a way that made you doubt yourself, you’ve been manipulated through triangulation.
Let’s break down why they do it, how it works, and how to shut it down using the IMC Method™.
What Is Triangulation? (And Why Narcissists Use It)
Triangulation is not just bringing up other people in conversation—it’s a calculated move used to:
✅ Make you feel like you have to compete for their attention and approval.
✅ Create insecurity so you stay dependent on them.
✅ Keep you isolated by making you feel like others are against you.
It works because human beings crave social validation. When a narcissist introduces a third person as the “ideal” or makes it seem like others are siding against you, it triggers self-doubt, anxiety, and a deep need to “fix” things.
🔥 Triangulation isn’t about honest feedback—it’s about control. 🔥
How Triangulation Works (And Why It’s So Toxic)
Narcissists use comparisons, rumors, and third-party validation to maintain power over you.
Triangulation in Action: The Narcissist’s Playbook
🔹 Comparison to an Ex – “My ex never acted like this.”
🔹 Turning Others Against You – “Everyone thinks you’re difficult to deal with.”
🔹 Using Third-Party Opinions – “I talked to my friend, and they think I should leave you.”
🔹 False Victimhood – Telling others you’re the problem while acting innocent to you.
🔹 Bringing in a “New Favorite” – Making you feel replaceable by flaunting a new friend, coworker, or love interest.
🚨 Then, the shift happens. 🚨
🔹 You become desperate to prove your worth.
🔹 You feel isolated and unsure of who to trust.
🔹 You start competing for their attention—even when they’re the one treating you poorly.
🔹 You find yourself defending yourself against “invisible” accusations.
Over time, this makes you:
⚠️ Anxious about being abandoned.
⚠️ More willing to tolerate mistreatment to stay in their good graces.
⚠️ Distrustful of others because you never know who’s really on your side.
And THAT is the goal—to make you feel dependent on them for validation.
🔥 Triangulation isn’t about honesty—it’s about emotional warfare. 🔥
How to Respond to Triangulation (IMC Method™)
You don’t engage in a competition you never signed up for. Why? Because triangulation only works if you play along.
Instead, you use the IMC Method™ (Identify, Minimize, Control) to remove yourself from the toxic dynamic and take back your confidence.
1. IDENTIFY: Call Out the Manipulation
The first step is recognizing when a narcissist is using triangulation to control you.
✅ Ask yourself: Why are they bringing this person up?
✅ Notice the pattern. Do they do this when you set boundaries or call them out?
✅ Trust your instincts. If it feels like a game, it probably is.
💡 Example: If they say, “So-and-so thinks you’re too sensitive too,” instead of defending yourself, respond with:
✔️ “I don’t need validation from them. If you have an issue, let’s talk about it directly.”
🔥 Why It Works: You shut down the attempt to use a third party to manipulate you.
2. MINIMIZE: Stop Engaging in Their Games
Triangulation only works if you react emotionally and try to “win” their approval.
✅ Don’t argue about third-party opinions. If they can’t speak for themselves, it doesn’t matter.
✅ Refuse to compete. You don’t have to prove yourself to them.
✅ Redirect the conversation. Make it clear you won’t entertain the drama.
💡 Example: If they say, “My friend thinks I deserve better,” respond with:
✔️ “Then maybe your friend is the one you should be talking to.”
🔥 Why It Works: You show them their manipulation has no effect on your decisions.
3. CONTROL: Reclaim Your Confidence & Emotional Stability
Narcissists use triangulation to make you feel insecure—so you take your focus back to yourself.
✅ Validate yourself. You don’t need their approval.
✅ Strengthen your real support system. Don’t let them isolate you from others.
✅ If necessary, disengage completely. Someone who constantly compares you to others is toxic.
💡 Example: If they say, “My ex never had a problem with this,” instead of feeling insecure, respond with:
✔️ “Then maybe you should be with them instead.”
🔥 Why It Works: You remove their ability to manipulate you through comparisons.
What Happens When You Stop Playing Their Game?
When you stop reacting to triangulation, the narcissist loses control over your emotions.
They might:
⚠️ Try to make you jealous to get a reaction.
⚠️ Insist you’re “overreacting” or “paranoid.”
⚠️ Switch tactics (love bombing, silent treatment, etc.).
🚨 Stay strong. Their reaction is proof that your boundaries are working.
The more you refuse to engage in comparisons, the more their manipulation loses its power.
You Are Not in Competition with Anyone
Triangulation is designed to make you feel insecure—but now, you know the truth.
✔️ You don’t have to compete for their love or approval.
✔️ You don’t have to feel threatened by their comparisons.
✔️ You don’t have to defend yourself against invisible opinions.
You are enough. You always have been.
🔹 For full IMC Method™ strategies and free tools, visit our linked blog series. Tired of the Narcissistic Mind Games? Get the Tools to Break Free.