Feigning Innocence: How Manipulators Pretend Not to Know (And How to Call Them Out)

Ever Tried to Hold Someone Accountable—Only for Them to Suddenly “Not Get It”? That’s Feigning Innocence.

You express how their actions hurt you. Instead of acknowledging it, they act completely clueless.

Maybe you’ve heard:
❌ “I don’t know why you’re so upset.”
❌ “I had no idea that bothered you.” (Even though you’ve told them before.)
❌ “What are you talking about? I never meant it that way.”
❌ “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I was just joking.”

And suddenly, you’re the one explaining yourself—convincing them why your feelings are valid, why their actions were wrong, and why they should care.

That’s feigning innocence—a manipulation tactic designed to invalidate your emotions, dodge responsibility, and keep you off balance.

If you’ve ever felt like they “just don’t get it” no matter how many times you explain, you’re dealing with intentional ignorance.

Let’s break down why they do it, how it works, and how to shut it down using the IMC Method™.

---

What Is Feigning Innocence? (And Why Narcissists Use It)

Feigning innocence is not genuine confusion—it’s a calculated move used to:
✅ Make you feel unreasonable for being upset.
✅ Avoid taking responsibility for their words or actions.
✅ Keep the focus on your reaction instead of what they did wrong.

It works because it forces you to explain yourself repeatedly. Instead of focusing on their actions, you get stuck in defense mode, justifying why you feel the way you do.

🔥 Feigning innocence isn’t about misunderstanding—it’s about manipulation. 🔥

---

How Feigning Innocence Works (And Why It’s So Toxic)

Narcissists pretend not to understand because it’s an easy way to dodge accountability.

Feigning Innocence in Action: The Narcissist’s Playbook

🔹 Pretending Confusion – “Wait, what? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
🔹 Acting Hurt – “Wow, I never meant to hurt you. You always assume the worst about me.”
🔹 Deflecting Responsibility – “I didn’t realize that was such a big deal to you.”
🔹 Playing Dumb – “How was I supposed to know that would upset you?” (Even though they’ve done it multiple times.)
🔹 Making It About You – “I don’t get why you always take things so personally.”

Over time, this makes you:
⚠️ Feel like you’re overreacting.
⚠️ Waste energy explaining something they already understand.
⚠️ Give up on holding them accountable because “it’s not worth the effort.”

And THAT is the goal—to exhaust you into dropping the issue.

🔥 Feigning innocence isn’t cluelessness—it’s emotional manipulation. 🔥

---

How to Respond to Feigning Innocence (IMC Method™)

You don’t educate someone pretending not to understand. Why? Because they aren’t looking for clarity—they’re looking for a way out.

Instead, you use the IMC Method™ (Identify, Minimize, Control) to shut down their act and stop playing their game.

1. IDENTIFY: Call Out the Manipulation

The first step is recognizing when someone is pretending not to understand.

✅ Ask yourself: Have we talked about this before?
✅ Notice the patterns. Do they “not get it” only when they’re in trouble?
✅ Trust your instincts. If it feels like a game, it probably is.

💡 Example: If they say, “I don’t know why you’re so upset,” instead of explaining, respond with:
✔️ “You do know. I’ve explained this before, and I won’t do it again.”

🔥 Why It Works: You refuse to let them play dumb to escape accountability.

---

2. MINIMIZE: Cut Off Their Power Over You

Feigning innocence only works if you take the bait. The more you explain, justify, or try to get them to understand, the more control they have.

✅ Stop over-explaining. If they truly cared, they would have listened the first time.
✅ Refuse to engage in their fake confusion. You don’t have to prove yourself.
✅ Stick to your boundaries. If they pretend not to understand, end the conversation.

💡 Example: If they say, “I didn’t realize this was such a big deal,” respond with:
✔️ “I told you before. If you don’t remember, that’s on you.”

🔥 Why It Works: You place responsibility back where it belongs—on them.

---

3. CONTROL: Reclaim Your Confidence & Emotional Energy

Narcissists pretend not to understand to make you question yourself—so you stop explaining and start enforcing.

✅ Stick to the facts. You don’t need their validation to know what happened.
✅ Let go of the need for them to “get it.” They do—they just don’t care.
✅ Walk away if necessary. You don’t have to waste time on their games.

💡 Example: If they say, “I still don’t get why you’re upset,” instead of trying to explain, respond with:
✔️ “You don’t have to understand. You just have to respect it.”

🔥 Why It Works: You end the conversation on your terms instead of theirs.

---

What Happens When You Stop Playing Their Game?

When you stop explaining yourself, the narcissist loses one of their easiest escape routes.

They might:
⚠️ Pretend to be even more confused to bait you into arguing.
⚠️ Play the victim (“I just don’t get why you’re being so mean”).
⚠️ Switch tactics (gaslighting, guilt-tripping, etc.).

🚨 Stay strong. Their reaction is proof that your boundaries are working.

The more you refuse to engage in their fake confusion, the more their manipulation loses its power.

---

They Understand More Than They Let On

Feigning innocence isn’t about confusion—it’s about control. And now, you know how to shut it down.

✔️ You don’t have to explain yourself over and over.
✔️ You don’t have to prove why your feelings are valid.
✔️ You don’t have to waste energy on someone pretending not to get it.

They understand perfectly. They just don’t want to admit it. Tired of the Narcissistic Mind Games? Get the Tools to Break Free.